Into the Darkness

Tuesday, June 12, 2012 | Labels: | |

Whether the fate of man is predestined or he himself is the architect of it, is a question which has been very often discussed by scholars of all times. Even me, has been questioning that matter since I gained the ability to think. Since 10 or so...

As a man, I look around me and find that there are more than hundreds things in shaping and reshaping of which I have no hand, things that are beyond control.

I always remember the teachings from my teachers about Al-Qadr, which is Divine Predestination. Everything is predestined, but we still have freewill. This saying gives me inner strength to keep me going, struggle through thick and thin, douchebags and shits...

The problem is, I often find myself not fairly rewarded for my tireless efforts. 'My belief' told me this "Be patient, there is hikmah behind every occurence", while 'my logic' says "Everything is predestined in the Book of Destiny (Kitab-ul-Qadr). It is a foolish, futile attempt to acquire something which is predestined not meant for you, no mater how hard you work for it".

I find myself losing inner strenght and morale from day to day. 

The deterioration of my faith and inner strength, are somehow related to a few bitter occurrences that happened since 8-10 year ago. Every year, there is at least one eventful incident that gave a deep, strong impact to my morale, indirectly decaying my faith of freewill. Affecting my behaviour and social life.

I know people will tell me "You should be grateful, at least you have a better life than some people". This kind of advice made me sick. A very common, yet a useless advice.

You know what? Leonardo da Vinci said "Our life is made by the death of others"?

Let me rephrase that for you. It can be interpreted as "Sometimes our happiness is achieved by the sufferings of others".

In Bahasa, you might came across a quite similar saying, which is "Maju ke depan dengan memijak mayat orang lain"

Some people happy because I'm the one who suffers.

And these shits made me loosing faith.

You of all people might interpret in differently, but that is my interpretation, and I strongly agree.

I would hate people who made me suffer intentionally. In different cases, sometimes they had no choice, or they did it unintentionally - but I still suffered. I don't hate them because these incidents are predestined in the Book of Destiny (Kitab-ul-Qadr). As a Muslim, how can I blame the Book of Destiny (Kitab-ul-Qadr)?

Of course, I have to accept it, whether I like it or not.

I had many dreams before, but they were all crushed into invisible ashes.

I had crush on a few girls, one at a time, but in the end, I am the one who got crushed and fell into the bottomless pit of 9th circle of hell...if you know what I mean. 

I had enough already, yet I still keep on fighting. In the process, I'm slowly consumed by the darkside..and the darkness will get me eventually one day, when I no longer have the faith to keep on believing...

I don't know for how long I can keep on going...

  Faiz Rev sinature

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